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September 30th, 2006
01:55 am - Guitar Hero
OK my hand might feel rather warm around the wrist area but that doesn't matter. I finally got my 5 stars on Cowboys from Hell and got my Guitar God status on medium. The problem with the track was the problematic things were spread out nicely so you had to get them all right for a section to be able to get a consitant run of 4X score.
Either way YAY
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September 8th, 2006
02:22 pm
Another month another update... or something like that. Since i'm now employed and have been paid 'n' everything i have been finding myself.. well not busy per se, just not spending as much time lurking around online and finding something to post / moan about. Either way recently i've been on holiday to wales which was brilliant as ever, made better by my girlfriend joining us for the holiday.
The other thing i've done is cause injury after injury to my left hand. My middle and pinky finger feel sore at the middle joint when i compress the fingers and my wrist feels sore when i bend it to the extremes up and down, including using it to sit up or crawl etc. Caused by my game of the moment, guitar hero (actually the lastest batch of wrist pains came from my sister telling me how i *should* hold a guitar. I either got it wrong, needed to stretch before hand or she's stupid. The finger pains i believe came from my first grip which moved my fingers at that join far far more than i do now (conservation of movement is something i should have learnt earlier)). Guitar hero utterly rocks and i utterly rocked at it last night, completing both 'Cowboys from Hell' and 'Bark at the Moon' on expert in one sitting. It made me feel so awesome. And my hand doesn't appear to be too unhappy about it now, even if it did complain a litte at 5 in the morning, at the same time my stomach was telling me that cake was a bad idea.
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August 13th, 2006
09:24 pm
This weekend has been pretty good, we went to see both Lady in the Water and Cars at the cinema. We enjoyed both quite a bit. I also put my hand in some warm water for a while today and it's apparently fixed my hand problems, along with thinking about where my fingers should be going. This all means that i can play Guitar Hero again and make improvements on my score. ~:D
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August 10th, 2006
10:54 pm
Quite a bit has happened in the while that has passed since i last posted in here. I'm now actually employed and have achieved pay from a small software company in bath. I've been spending quite a bit of time playing Guitar Hero and have consequently made my left hand joints feel a little painful, i'm going to have to lay off for a while; can't quite play like i was two days ago. Things are good really, even if i am a little down right now that i can't play GH ~:P. I'm sure i can work myself up into writing in this more often again. Things can seem a little boring if i can't write something.
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June 17th, 2006
02:26 am
The past few days haven't been my best in terms of productivity. I have found myself mentally incapable of finishing any of the application forms going blank upon seeing any of them, or in the worst case having a panic attack. This is quite frankly really irritating. It makes it hard to be able to honestly consider something and leaves me feeling down for some time afterwards.
What i have managed though is cleaning out several rather dirty parts of the house, the sink is no longer blocked up with something that made me wretch with the smell; the george forman no longer strongly smells of bad sausage; the oven doesn't have the odd white stuff on the bottom and the hallway outside my room isn't black with dust. So in those regards i'm not doing to badly.
Game wise, well i've made some continuous progress with Frequency even when i'm sure that i can't achieve teh tracks i'm on at the level that i have to. Pity i can only play it well when i'm out of it, my mind gets in the way a little too much otherwise, you can't think, there's no time, you just do.
The reason for my productivity lull would be that my girlfriend is due here today and she's my motivation to get things done and her giving me a bit of a whupping is how i'm planning on getting things done. Someone behind me telling me to finish the forms is what i need really. I feel much better about myself when she's here as a bonus.
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June 14th, 2006
02:45 am
Today the one person who'd been keeping me sane left the house for good. I'm left with no one to talk with about games. This also means that there's no real person in the house during the day (WoW characters don't count). Naturally i spent most of the day feeling rather grumpy and bored. For this reason i've cleaned the top sticker off my old graphics card heatsink / fan, revealing the ATI original image instead of saphire's one; and i also spent about an hour cleaning the george foreman so my toastie would taste nice. I also managed to keep my coding work open and looked at for a while too. Progress. Anyway this evening has been interesting and funny due to the following links.
The history of oil a funny and revealing look at what oil means to the world
Consolevania 2.6 Brilliant as ever.
Let's Sexy English A speak english guide for the japanese that teaches a few important words
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June 12th, 2006
02:50 am
This weekend i've managed to achieve several completely pointless things. Firstly i had an entire day, sunday, when i didn't eat a thing. Having no lunch or breakfast and having saturdays dinner on saturday and sunday's today. I'm also sure i managed to drink nary a thing either. Secondly i have been wearing the same item of clothing, my pyjama bottoms all weekend, with my dressing gown while wandering around. It's been so warm that i've become quite lethargic in that department, amoungst others. Thirdly managing to survive on Grid Wars 2 (a geometry wars clone) for 59 minutes and racking up a 4 million point score (my previous best was 2 million and half an hour). Fourthly replaying and completing one of those games that i've 'doned' a rare event. Metroid Prime, in this instance, managed to entertain me as much as it originally did.
To balance out my pointless achievements i've also completed a few less pointless. Including form completion, clearning my room of 2 of the 3 piles of undone stuff and leaving the third lying around with only things to file in it. Filing things without a place to file them isn't easy though. Fill out online forms for job stuff, which i haven't been finding myself doing enough of.
As it stands i've obviously achieved more of the former but inside i have been trying to feel like i'm trying so eventually i'll believe myself and find it trivial to keep it up. Motivation is lacking and it's hard to drive myself. Next week doesn't look so friendly as there won't be someone to talk to during the day for half the week. Will that give me the push to work on programming tasks, or will i just rot online. Time will tell i guess.
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June 9th, 2006
03:32 am
Scattered about my room are piles of papers. Things that i should deal with, things i should have already dealt with and utter rubbish. But they like everything else just fades into the background in my mind. They are more or less scenery, scattered about with an aim of producing some life into the room. While a sterile environment devoid of such incidental details wouldn't be great it would be better if they weren't there and were dealt with. They like the small pile of incomplete games and half finished files of code are the reminants left behind by my rather large addiction. I am unquestionably addicted to the internet. It's a beast that takes up my time and my thoughts, and i don't even spend time on a wide variety of different websites. A few forums keep me busy, i injest opinions with rarely giving my own. I suppose i'm still under the subconscience idea that my opinion isn't required by anyone in particular and would be wrong. Reading these boards reminds me that there are other people in the world, which is in itself a comfort that keeps me from being worried. The posts i'm currently making here are an attempt to get more in tune with putting myself forward again without fear of backlash, for no one actually reads this or cares so i can pretend to be saying something.
When i'm comfortable again or hopefully before too long i'll be putting myself forward in regards to the forms and such that has to be sorted around my room. At which point i'll have to replace the strewned papers with clothing, something has to break up the flat boring surfaces. I mean i won't mind girls underwear scattered about the place. ~:P
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June 7th, 2006
06:57 pm
It's hot, the windows and doors are all wide open. Small attempts at a breeze are trying to cool the place down but it isn't quite as effective as i'd want it to be. The sky hasn't a cloud it's bright and blue and boring. Me, i'm bored and blue too. I can't quite summon the motivation to do anything of any practical worth, gaming included. I've watched movies and used the internet after waking up after midday. Waking up earlier isn't much of an option when i go to sleep so late. It's not the cool evening air that i'm enjoying; or a late night TV; i just find it really hard to go to sleep while my mind can think.
All my mind thinks of is failure and that's a hard thing to have ringing in your ear when you need some peace to get to sleep. During the day the hum of the computer keeps my mind off other things. My girlfriend tells me it's not all that bad and things will be fine in the end, but both of us are unsure of how or when things will change. Yet while she's with me i find there's a calm that makes things feel like the change is soon.
Even with outside influences pushing me to keep at the things i have to do, i still find myself bogged down. Letters and forms i need to deal with are scattered about the room, important and essential, but i can't steady myself enough to look at them at any of them. The internet is the one place i do things in at home: i read forums and news; listen to podcasts and watch videos, But without feeling i've done anything i can't be calm.
It's hot, the smell of a barbeque sifts in through the window, which reminds me i have to start cooking the meal i've got for myself.
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May 20th, 2006
04:13 pm
Having the internet down at home has really made me feel quite bad. This is due to the fact that without the internet i don't really have contact with other people as much as i'd like to. Yesterday ended up spending the entire time watching scrubs, which didn't do so well for my self esteem. The show being all about stepping up to the plate and achieving, which i haven't managed really not having a source on income is something that brings me down. Especially considering that i'm stuck at the doing something about finding jobs stage. *humph* The reason we don't have internet is because BT b0rked it up when we upgraded, so turned it off and haven't got back to turning it back on again, i've been waiting since last thursday. I've missed so many TV shows...
Gaming wise there's been E3 recently which was really entertaining. From the arm chair it appeared that the Wii managed to be the big winner of E3 but journalists said that the Xbox360 stuff really was rather good, and the Ps3 had some games. The latter of which was unseen by anyone not at the show. We only really got CGI trailers and assassins creed might sound really good but seeing just a trailer isn't going to convince me that it works. The Wii got the lines at E3 and sounds like it's going to be really really good fun, but the press aren't all convinced yet. Either way i know without money nothing is going to be happening. Especially with a £400 Ps3 w/o games.
Oh for jem : Shoes on roofs It's a consolevania thing and is quite awesome.
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March 24th, 2006
08:48 am
Bah i'm not having a good time of it at the moment. I've spent the day being sick and having my teddy nose dive into the sick bucket while i was sleeping, waking me up and making me rather unhappy. Poor Ruttles. I don't really know how to clean him as i only have washing machine stuff not handwash stuff.
I'm finding the job hunting stuff far too difficult i get stressed out very quickly and thusly can't actually do anything about it. My girlfriend has been very helpful for me and is making it easier but i'm quickly running out of money and don't know what to do. It's really hard when other people seem to find the process so much simpler than me, when merely talking to someone about something is a challenge in of itself.
Programming keeps on not happening because i get wound up with small problems and the job situation doesn't help me. I do have a directx 9 program written that rotates 3 chess pieces that i modeled but no user input and the code isn't flexible yet. I can kinda figure out what i need to do but i keep coming a cropper.
One successful thing though would be this:
Which isn't a picture of a model, but a picture i took in vienna and has been modified to look like a model.
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March 3rd, 2006
03:31 am
Currently i am awake and quite drunk
Currently i see what my dreams really are
Currently i understand where i've got to
Currently i speak from the heart
Currently my mind is clear
But soon i sleep to escape
To the sane world of reality
Where i say so very little
The last week has been focused on making a directx 9 program which makes a cube spin and zoom and all manner of things, currently it's shaded completely black for reasons i still fail to understand. The open gl code for it is quite frankly utterly simplistic and pointless, the DirectX code is better but half copied from somewhere else and i just want it all to work so i can comfortably get on with my stupid plan for things without getting overly distracted by the complexity. Especially when it all seems so easy when i stand back and look at things.
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February 28th, 2006
02:57 am
Utter hurrah. I have been doing codery goodness and have created an open gl w/ sdl and directx version of a program that has a rotating cube in it. The directx one is still lacking a few features from the ogl one (namely input) but that's mainly down to it being 3 in the morning. The spirit i had when i first started programming things is back and i'm up for turning that cube into something more interesting. Or rather the directx one will, the ogl one was done because i was feeling a little down yesterday so fixed it up and then mashed at it to make time dependent rotating then acceleration by keys. I'll do the same for the directX one and then it'll form into something a little more sensible and so on. Eventually a crappeh version of 3d asteroids (visuals in 3d, play in 2d) will have been created by me and then i can start making it my own. ~:D
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February 20th, 2006
04:24 pm
I am the pwnage B1tches! I just completed Need for Speed™ Most Wanted 100% absolutely everything and because of that the game... gave me a few cars for random races which is a waste of time. When i made it to 100% on Kirby it gave me a nice screen congratulating me for it. The journey to 100% was good in both games but the fact that most wanted couldn't be bothered to actually congratulate me in anyway... it's quite a downer. The last 33 min chase against level 6 cops which only happens once in the main game was stupidly exilerating, but to not say nice one... crappeh.
job hunting wise... well recently i've actually managed to stop having 'the fear' when i search so i suppose that's a step. TBH i'm not exactly pleased with my utter inability to do anything. Which has recently got me rather down, as it should really but i need something so i don't have to keep explaining myself to family.
Not sure what i should say about my girlfriend, i mean she keeps me happy and stops me getting utterly absorbed in the depression i could get from lack of job hunting skills and i really care about her but i don't really feel like writing that all down here.
I want to be getting back into programming again but i keep getting distracted by absolutely nothing so i don't get any of it done which is a pain. I've installed stuff and looked at code and then suddenly i'm playing a new game or something else has happened, it's a nuissance frankly. I haven't got quite so far in my creative writing as that just doesn't even start... balls.
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February 10th, 2006
01:41 am
It's been a rather different few weeks. The exam weeks was spent going up to campus at the end of an exam for comforting purposes and the intersemester break was spent with my girlfriend staying the entire week. Which means i haven't had that much time to spend completely on myself. Now this would sound a little like a potential downer but TBH i'd only waste the time by faffing around, or going to two films back to back at the cinema and having an evening long sugar high... Yes that did happen, the films were "fun with dick and jane" and "underworld evolution".
Gaming wise i bought and completed Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones which was an alright game, if it did have a rather crappy boss fight at the end of it all which was a downer, they fixed the combat from the first game so it's integrated better but the general essence wasn't the same, failing to have any really memorable areas.
I've also bought and am still playing through Kirby on the DS, i won't give its name because it's different in each of the different terretories and i got the US one (cheaper). It's utterly brilliant and amazing, such a refreshing and different take on a platformer that works in every way. The game is great fun, i suppose that's actually a bit of a problem, it's won over my girlfriend who keeps pinching my DS to play. In fact the DS appears to be very girly friendly in general and she's getting a little too good at my games. ~:/
On the PC i've been playing my full version Need for Speed™ Most wanted. Which is great fun, i've utterly enjoyed modding up my porshe until it can smash through all the stupid cops for the brilliant chases which are so well done, even if the spike strips are a little hard to avoid in some cases. All in all a rather enjoyable experience which i'm getting quite close to completing.
Things are good apart from my complete inability in every respect to get a job, and i mean failing at the very first steps quite horrifically. Which is the only cause of any kind of depression as of late. It's still a big cause though, since family is pressurising me to do stuff. I'm not entirely sure if that helps though. ~:/
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January 13th, 2006
04:47 pm
I've been informed that i've been far too criptic... so *cough* if you didn't already know / realise i do have a girlfriend and we've been going out for a while now. Today is also my birthday and i've reached the age of 23 which is starting to make me feel like i should be feeling older than a child who plays video games. Pah to that of course because while in town i got new games \o/ Yay for money and cards and whatever might happen this evening. ~:)
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December 31st, 2005
02:11 pm
This year has been a quiet one as far as Lj is concerned. I do remember when it was the thing to do of an evening to write some junk in here just because. I suppose it was better in terms of having something organised that i would get up to. I mean i haven't had anything properly organised or anything which i've had to be committed to for a set period during the day. My dissertation was done on and off without any time controlled commitment. It's been like that since 2003 when i stopped doing the uni thing and 'crashed'. I suppose really i have to get that back again as it will probably lead to a better me in general. So that goes on the resolution list.
This year has been one of two halves the first half was basically wound up with my Dissertation and getting this new PC. My diss gave me so much stress that i can't really remember anything else that happened before graduation. Though i know time back at home was so much better than it had been at my last address. Having a house full of people who noticed i was there helped in so many ways. I generally feel better which is what drove my second half of the year. It would be fair to say that it's been time that i've taken off. I know i should have been as productive as spoon but i just wasn't i couldn't get myself to do that stuff and it's annoyed me. Sorting out this is another thing on the resolution list.
Building up my confidence is another thing that i need, the idea that my opinions are pointless and aren't worth hearing is something i have to get past. I know i have to get my voice up in general. The shyness that i have is a crutch and i've had quite enough of it. It is going slowly with things going well. Though i'm still a little suprised and shocked by it all, i have to be able to properly embrace the happyness rather than being scared by it. This is another goal of next year.
I have dreams that i want to turn into reality that i keep trailing off when i start on the route to them. I want to get my writings finished however much i might dispise (as i should) the main character of one of my pieces. That piece is one that has been incomplete for half a year and it's only 2 pages. I've started another and i have to get that going it gets me happy but i don't know why i stop. I've also started learning how to do 3d game programming but i have stopped on this without thinking about it for a while and i want to get back to that so i can say i've made something. This is another goal of next year.
The difference between this year and others is now i can see up rather than only seeing down, i just have to reach up and get there.
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December 23rd, 2005
11:55 pm
*sigh* i've managed to leave this alone again. I suppose the reason is that in a way i see it as disrespectful to the idea of livejournal to post things like "i'm in a good mood" "things are great" etc etc. But they are, i should really be in the biggest stress about job stuff but i'm not, i'm calm and i know in a way i really shouldn't be but things aren't the same as they used to be. There's someone else in my life who makes me very happy, she's changed how i feel. So urm YAY woo.
Other wise recently i've watched king kong which was really fun and am currently back into playing Viewtiful joe 2, because it's giving me an utterly nails challenge that i can't help but keep on trying at. All in all i haven't actually been doing that much normal me stuff, just mooching on the internet, which isn't what i really want to be doing TBH. Which is why this week (back in essex) i've been trying to get out of my rut (being on 56k helps) by playing.
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December 8th, 2005
09:48 pm
Walking to and from uni is something i used to do quite often and i never see anyone else while walking. So why is it that this morning when walking back from uni i see 5 people i know 1 of which i haven't seen in ages. It's been such an odd week that *i* got dragged around game shops when i went shopping, usually people moan at me if i do that. Just looking at stuff that i'm not going to buy and then it happens to me. It's a right nuisance that i can't get myself down to do any work because i've got so caught up in being content that like years ago when nothing happened because of depression. Emotions so own me. ~:P
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December 4th, 2005
05:50 pm
Yesterday i discovered a rather important fact: I am allergic to asprin.
I found this out because after staying up until 6 watching d/led TV and playing games, then sleeping on the floor that i had gained a rather nasty headache. After taking asprin for this, which worked quickly the ache moved to my chest. A natural stomach pump and 2 hours waiting around in A&E for something to happen and i was fine again and got back to watching d/led TV. Thanks to people for helping me out while i was busy cleaning out my system.
During the wednessday get together to see spoon off i managed to feel really weird, seeing people i hadn't in a long while and feeling like i was now in a different world than they were. Quite odd.
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